Lauren Spends Money

A New Slutty Trend I Like

Wed, 22 May 2013 15:01:00 -0400

I’ve been saying it for years. A decade maybe. Since Limited Too started doing bandeaus that one season. None of you know what I’m talking about. Anyway, summer — best season for dressing, been saying it for years. Good time to play with slutty clothes and get away with it because you pretend you’re hanging out at that summer camp Dirty Dancing is set at where tight, skimpy clothes were oddly chaste and you’d never get an abortion but you’ve got the gusto to ask your pops to fund one for your friend.

I’m loving these new off-the-shoulder sweetheart necklines I’m seeing right now. They’re a little tawdry, a little sweet. Like Tawdry Hepburn. Totally a-whore-able. Futuristic but nostalgic for a gauzy-er age. Something you’d wear if you were an extra in the prom scene in Grease but surprise it was in ~SPACE~. Come to think of it, it’s a wonder shoulders are so OK to bare like that. They kinda are boob-esque. You’d think off-the-shoulder styles would have been way less popular in the 50s and super more popular now. DISCUSS.

Anyway, winners:

“Savannah” Chambray Crop Top, $48

This top looks like it will require constant upward tugging. But during the few brief moments where it’s actually sitting correctly on your torso, damn yallook good. How cute with my high-waisted polka dotted pleated skirt jesus save me I want a new life.

“Kick Push” Knit Dress, $58

This is a perfect everyday dress. If your everyday lifestyle is to smoke USA Golds on the back of your overweight 65-year-old boyfriend’s motorcycle somewhere deep in the Dakotas. Would look ideal with these and a Big Gulp. Will I ever have $58 dollars though? No.

Red “Cold Shoulder” Dress, $80

It would be great to see this on a model but as this post proves, I never fucking get what I want. Anyway this looks actually classy, like something Aunt Becky would have worn during a Christmas special of “Full House.” I would de-Aunt-Becky it with ankle socks and loafers and then omg look, suddenly I’m channeling Heathers. Dress, you are all kinds!

“Danielle” Dress, $64

Ok, so ignoring the fact that literally no one outside of the world of The Sims can wear a knit body-con dress and not look like a garden snake that just ate at a Golden Corral, this dress is too perfect. I would never wear it with such stupid earrings but who knows what goes on at ASOS, they’re super European. Regardless, regardless, perfect example of a sweetheart neck and off-shoulders. Would like to pump gas in this, like Miley Cyrus that one time, but so so so much better.

Best Email from Best Friend

Wed, 22 May 2013 13:50:15 -0400

“every day when my mailman leaves and we say goodbye he ALWAYS SAYS ‘should be all right. what the heck.’

like what?

how is that your catchphrase?

at what point do you say “should be all right. what the heck.” and think to yourself, yes, this is it. this is what i will say every day?”

"[My mother] knew we were out of control, but there was nothing she could do. I remember one day she..."

Wed, 22 May 2013 11:42:12 -0400

“[My mother] knew we were out of control, but there was nothing she could do. I remember one day she came over to my house, and the only thing I had were 30 rolls of tinfoil, and she said, “The only thing you have in your house is a box of cereal and foil.” My response to her—and I remember this clearly—was, “I like to bake, you C-U-N-T.””

- Mitchell Sunderland’s interview with Alexis Neiers for Vice is so amazing (via christinefriar)

never forget ~angels in america~

Wed, 22 May 2013 09:54:54 -0400

never forget *~angels in america~*

This is great to me. I’ve always had a special place in my...

Wed, 22 May 2013 09:38:39 -0400

This is great to me. I’ve always had a special place in my heart for Calvin Klein. So 90s. So glamorous. So simple. So easily manipulated to fit into hip hop street style culture.

Good and Bad Parts of Hot Yoga

Tue, 21 May 2013 16:10:00 -0400

The point of Bikram yoga, according to Bikram himself (who, kind of disappointingly, ISN’T some mystical Indian healer who lived 300 years ago but rather is this totally normal dude who was born in 1946), is to encourage blood and oxygen flow throughout all parts of the body through a series of compressions and relaxations. For me, the point of Bikram yoga is to get the fuck off my ass and do something physically demanding for once (besides putting on fake eyelashes) so I don’t go totally and completely loony before I hit 25.

You guys, it’s really hard. I mean I love it, because when you leave the studio you feel like Jesus Christ, but honestly, it’s so hard. Like some parts of it are so hard I can’t even I don’t even. It’s like AP Calculus for your BODY.

There are 26 postures in each 90-minute, 105-degree class. You begin with a deep breathing exercise which should be relaxing but HAH, BIKRAM YOU OLD DOG, it isn’t. It involves clasping your hands under your chin and breathing in and out while rocking your head back and forth and raising and lowering your stupid elbows. You do this 20 stupid times. When you finish you’re slicked in a layer of sweat and heaving like you just gave birth. Surprise, it’s only been like 7 minutes.

Awkward pose sucks. It’s called awkward pose because it’s what you wish you could do when you’re 16 and someone says something awkkkkkkkward in the hallway at school and omg u just wanna just totally dis-uh-peer! JK, it’s called awkward pose because BODIES AREN’T SUPPOSED TO FUCKING DO THAT. You have to slide up and down an imaginary wall with your legs in all sorts of stupid positions and then hover over your ankles like you’re a fucking goddamn Marine. Fuck Awkward Pose.

Tree Pose rules. Give me more tree pose. One, it’s not mindfuckingly hard like most of the other poses and two, I feel like I’m actually doing yoga when I do tree pose, because when you think “yoga” you automatically think “one leg bent at the knee with the foot tucked into the crease of the hip, and both hands praying calmly at the chest.” Ah, tree pose. You should check me out in tree pose, I look like a stock photo for “yoga.” Tree me up.

Oh wait, until part 2 of Tree Pose when you’re asked with the lightness of someone asking you, say, if you have any gum, to BEND OVER AT THE WAIST AND CATCH YOURSELF WITH YOUR HANDS AND THEN KNEEL DOWN ON THE TIP OF THE TOES OF ONE OF YOUR FEET AND BALANCE THERE LIKE A FUCKING POKEMON.

There are a few absolute worst parts of Bikram yoga. The first absolute worst part is Standing Head to Knee Pose. Like a bad dentist in your hometown, it has a boring name and incredibly painful results! You must stretch your leg forward while standing on your locked other leg and the goal is to one not fucking perish immediately, and two bend your spine so your forehead is resting cooly on the knee of your extended leg. Which you’re holding in front of you. By fingers. Which are interlocked under your foot. You must do this for 1 and a half minute total for each leg.

If that pose sounds sadistic WAIT FOR ABSOLUTE WORST PART NUMBER TWO which comes up RIGHT AFTERWARD. The second absolute worst part is Standing Bow Pose, where you have to call back your spotty, dark memories of being a cheerleader and somehow pull your stupid ankle over your stupid head while also bending over at the waist so your chest is parallel to the floor. You must do this for a minute and then the other side for a minute and then AGAIN BOTH SIDES for 30 seconds. It is very hot also. Super chill idea, Bik, love you, love your show.

Camel pose I can get into. Camel pose is my girl. You kneel with knees apart and peel your body backward until you’re shaped like a square and your palms are cupping your heels. I don’t know if this is a thing camels do regularly because the idea of a camel taking this shape literally blows my mind, but then, Standing Head to Knee Pose exists so anything can happen really.

There is only one best part of Bikram Yoga. It is called savasana which is sanskrit for Dead Body Pose (chill). In the middle of class after a wildly terrorizing series of standing poses you get to HIT UP savasana and just lay there like a dead idiot for 2 minutes straight, sweet, gorgeous laying. Throughout the rest of class you get to return to savasana after every pose. Which is cool because there is one pose where you LIFT UP YOUR LEGS WHILE LAYING ON YOUR STOMACH AND HOLD THEM THERE FOR WHAT FEELS LIKE AN ETERNITY. THERES ANOTHER ONE WHERE YOU LEAN OVER YOUR STRAIGHTENED OUT LEGS AND HOOK YOUR FINGERS ONTO YOUR TOES AND PULL THEM AND LIFT YOUR HEELS OFF THE GROUND ALSO.

Class ends in savasana and they shut off the lights and tell you to be strong and peaceful and drink water and move into a large coconut and make it your home forever and never miss a day of Bikram. They say namaste. You say it back. This is also a great part. The namaste part.

"this is how you sweep a corner; this is how you sweep a whole house; this is how you sweep a..."

Mon, 20 May 2013 11:16:00 -0400

“this is how you sweep a corner;
this is how you sweep a whole house;
this is how you sweep a yard;
this is how you smile to someone you don’t like too much;
this is how you smile at someone you don’t like at all;
this is how you smile to someone you like completely;
this is how you set a table for tea;
this is how you set a table for dinner;
this is how you set a table for dinner with an important guest;
this is how you set a table for lunch;
this is how you set a table for breakfast;
this is how to behave in the presence of men who don’t know you very well, and this way they won’t recognize immediately the slut I have warned you against becoming;
be sure to wash every day, even if it is with your own spit;”

- Only Jamaica Kincaid is allowed to slutshame. From “Girl,” 1978.

Ok, Cool

Mon, 20 May 2013 09:59:36 -0400

Yoga-on-a-paddleboard deal. Cool. Ok. Sounds chill.

Here it is. The "Sexi" Sandal by Crocs. Presented Without Comment.

Mon, 20 May 2013 09:22:06 -0400

Ok, fine, one comment: these look like something suburban women hook on to their handbags to hold their antibacterial hand sanitizers at the ready.

Sexi.

I’ve counted 11 Bikram Yoga studios in Manhattan alone and they all offer intro month specials...

Fri, 17 May 2013 12:14:14 -0400

I’ve counted 11 Bikram Yoga studios in Manhattan alone and they all offer intro month specials so theoretically i could just hop among them and be set for a year and if i don’t make more money within the next 11 months to be able to afford a real membership to a bikram studio i will be 2 wildly homocidal/suicidal for yoga anyway so its all working out everything’s coming up bikram

This blog post on Idealist lists basic financial advice for recent ~grads~. There’s a whole...

Wed, 15 May 2013 11:11:52 -0400

This blog post on Idealist lists basic financial advice for recent ~grads~. There’s a whole paragraph that suggests setting money aside for a “wedding fund” so you’re prepared for the costs of attending the myriad weddings you’ll be invited to once all your college friends start getting married.

Hahahaha. A wedding fund.

A savings account where you set aside your own money so you can afford to go to other people’s weddings. At the age of 22.

I stopped reading this article here but I assume the next item suggests tucking $20s away into an envelope for your BFF’s first kid’s bris.

Did my best Lana impression this weekend. You’re welcome...

Sun, 12 May 2013 16:40:00 -0400

Did my best Lana impression this weekend. You’re welcome for the fodder, Time mag.

Top, $17. Spiked short, $20. Both, Forever21 Spring 2013.

Colleges Soak Poor Students to Funnel Aid to Rich

Sat, 11 May 2013 12:57:31 -0400

Colleges Soak Poor Students to Funnel Aid to Rich:

jhermann:

U.S. colleges such as Boston University are using financial aid to lure rich students while shortchanging the poor, forcing those most in need to take on heavy debt, a report found.

same as it ever was
same as it ever was
same as it ever was
same as it ever was

proud to be a terrier will never run out of memories or my $60k debt

street style

Fri, 10 May 2013 12:31:10 -0400

street style

All that grace all that body all that face makes me wanna party

Fri, 10 May 2013 09:44:00 -0400

All that grace

all that body

all that face

makes me wanna party

For a Thursday before payday, this is a goddamn double-digit...

Thu, 09 May 2013 15:37:49 -0400

For a Thursday before payday, this is a goddamn double-digit miracle. Usually I’m hovering around the seven-dollar mark at this part of the pay cycle.

FROM NOW ON CALL ME

LAUREN

BUFFETT

The Fact That

Thu, 09 May 2013 13:48:36 -0400

that TIME cover story about millennials is behind a paywall is THE FUNNIEST THING to me

The Internet Lol

Thu, 09 May 2013 10:27:00 -0400

Great hot style tips on the online today for street style girls who love a good fashion.

First up, StyleMint shows us a few ~~different~~ ways to style a Maxi Dress because, they say, “Maxi Season is Here.” (Along with 10 billion cicadas. Related?)

Anyway, first look idea appears to be simply, wear this maxi dress. It is called Wynona. Put it on the way you’d put any dress on:

Alright Casual & Cool! But then the next styling suggestion, entitled “Modern Bohemian,” looks like this:

Why.

Why would you wear a dress sideways? Like at that point if you’re so desperate for a new look maybe get a second dress and wear it frontways. I don’t know what about this is modern but I guess the “bohemian” part is related to the elephant-esque fabric folds that so elegantly define this model’s midsection. Why, StyleMint. Why? This is wholly weirder than you using Brooke Burke as the spokesperson for your lingerie sister site, IntiMint.

And then if you keep opening your morning emails from stores you can’t shop at because you only have $17 left in your checking account, you’ll find that ASOS has a “50% off 50 Key Summer Pieces” featurette. You’ll find some decent dresses, a fine pair of mini-flatforms ($13, amaze), and then, WEIRDLY, this “Elephant Ring Holder:”

Why do you exist. You are a plate. There is nothing specifically tailored to rings here. You’re a plate with an elephant in the middle and I’m supposed to be like, oh my RINGS go here? I could see if the rings were threaded onto the elephant’s trunk. In that case I’d say, well played, ASOS. But like you’re just throwing all the rings AROUND the elephant. In a plate. That’s it.

This Elephant Ring Holder is on sale for $10. For an extra $3 you can buy the cute flatforms and throw your rings in the shoebox they come in and that would honestly make more sense to me than this elephant business.

Anyway thanks for the fashion so far today, Internet.

idk which one is me on Wednesday but, me on Wednesday

Wed, 08 May 2013 12:26:57 -0400

idk which one is me on Wednesday but, me on Wednesday

"On the one hand, Kitty is a big girl who ought to be able to carry her own weight on a tour like..."

Wed, 08 May 2013 11:28:01 -0400

“On the one hand, Kitty is a big girl who ought to be able to carry her own weight on a tour like this; it’s part of the deal. On the other, it would be cool, for once, to watch a rapper as currently beloved as Danny Brown come out and straight-up eviscerate those crowd members who tried to make “his baby girl Kitty” (his words) feel small and shitty and unsafe after she penned 1,500 words (and over the past year, likely thousands more) ripping into his critics.”

- A quick, genius little foray into sexual politics, hip hop and MORE via the sharpest gal I know, Devon.