Step into the dark weird void that is Lauren Conrad’s “Crafty Creations” video series, for this installment addressing “Earthy Tablescapes.” (“Earthy Tablescapes” is NOT a lesser-known JRR Tolkien novel, although I did have to wikipedia this just to be sure.)
This hot craft tip is ESPECIALLY cogent in these times of post-Sandy socio-cultural duress, when EVERYONE is up to their fucking EARS in FRESH ASPARAGUS! I mean normally I handle my excess asparagus problem the old-fashioned way (I set each individual stalk on fire and throw them at underserved children in the Bronx while shouting racial obscenities) BUT WOW, now I can bundle them up and put them on display during a dinner party for 3-6 hours!
But really I actually think this vid is even better than the “cutting up old books and gluing them to boxes to make boxes that look like old books” train wreck of Crafty Creations past. Everything about this video is priceless — from Conrad praising a piece of white paper because “You can basically do whatever you want to it” to Conrad choosing the name “jillian” (lower-case “J”) for her demo box to Conrad’s 500 different types of rings to Conrad listing different vegetable types (in case you didn’t know what vegetables were OR in case you thought there were some types of vegetables that are FORBIDDEN for this craft) to Conrad saying you can only use carrots IF THEY STILL HAVE THE GREENS ON THEM because this isn’t called fucking CRAFTY ORANGE CARROT TABLESCAPES this is called EARTHY tablescapes to Conrad triumphantly popping the candle into the wine-bottle candle-holder in a way that says, “I am the queen of crafts, I have made this craft” to Conrad closing the post saying, “Do you have a tablescape that you’re particularly proud of? Share a photo below!” because it elicits images of young women all over America frantically flipping through their Tablescape Portfolios, screaming, “I’M JUST NOT PROUD ENOUGH OF ANY OF THESE!” Everything about this video. “jilian.”
Wrap a box in string and use white paper to write someone’s name on it and then put a flower on it.
Put green vegetables on a table.
Goodnight, Los Angeles.