I looked at the HuffPo VMA Red Carpet slideshow this morning and wrote out my feelings below. I think this is something a therapist would tell me to do to deal with my anxiety, if I had a therapist.
What Kat Dennings did while not attending the VMAs last night.
Taylor Swift is a q-tip but the kind of defective kind that like the fuzz is loose from the tip so it sort of like, fuzzes up the stick part.
Miley Cyrus. OH my god! Miley! You look just so bad.
OHhh what does this remind me of.
Marilyn Manson-style coats? Fredrick’s of Hollywood.
If someone told me this dress was made from a curtain set purchased from the Delia’s catalog I would not be totally shocked.
Something a “bad guy” would wear in Zenon, Girl of the 21st Century.
A Sephora employee with exceptional joie de vivre.
Spy Kids. The answer is, this dress is an outfit from Spy Kids.
I can’t stop looking at this photo. Like I click around to my other tabs and then it’s back to this photo.
I really need to click on now. It’s time to go.
Katie Perry. Nexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxt. Happy to see you’re not wearing Fruit By The Foot though. Next.
RiRi! Halle? RiRi. Halle. Is that racist? Ri-ri-cist? I just think Rihanna looks like Halle Berry in this get-up. This is seriously the anti-get-up actually. RiRi I know from your Instagram you can do better than this mildmannered toga shit. Where are your crop tops + ubiquitous exhaled-pot-smoke cloud + giant rings + suspender tights + creepers?
Nicki Minaj goodbye. Jesus, goodbye. But let me recall sweetly the time my mom called you “Nicki Meninges.” Goodbye!
That is not Demi Lovato that is Hilary Duff + this one girl I went to college with who everyone liked for literally no reason.
Pink just gave me a sort of mad feeling in my chest area. I hate Pink?
Alicia Keys bringing serious early 2000s realness to the carpet with her “sleek” “bronze” “dress” and “angular” “hairstyle.” I want to slip ‘n slide on this. And then slap Alicia across the face for literally never dressing with an ounce of ingenuity.
I have nothing bad to say about Ke$ha’s outfit. In fact I would wear that. Kudo$ 4 Ke$ha.
Emma Watson and some Billy Crudup + Joseph Gordon Leavitt wannabee. Frigid. Fierce. Emma’s hair looks like mine every day at around 3:30 pm.
Another photo of Emma solo. Enough. I’ve seen Enough.
Zoe Saldana stop stop stop YOU beauty perfection jungle cat
I do not know what one “Amber Rose” is and I shall not Google her.
HOLY SHIT US WOMEN’S GYMNASTIC TEAMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MCKAYKAY look at McKayla Maroney. Look. At. McKayla Maroneyyyyyyy!!!!!! Gabby, girl u lookin good too and imma let you fin—— MCKAYLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Side-note (totally unimportant)— why ARE these bitches at the fucking VMAs I canNOT.
This is the first time I’ve actually seen the entity that is One Direction. Is the photo weird or all these guys really this likeeeeeee short? and stupid-idiot looking? The one in the middle! Actually the first three in line starting from the left. Stop it. I want to literally roll bowling balls into this photograph.
Regina Spektor who knew even.
Unnamed photo, rando blonde girl? Li-Lo? This would have been a great place for Piper Perabo.
GREEN DAY came around.
Girl from Gossip Girl who plays the “poor person.”
Whenever I see Maria Menounos I ponder all of what it means to be “beautiful” in this country at this time in our lives and I think about where Maria Menounos fits in on the spectrum.
I am… attracted to Ru Paul?
Skipping these nobodies…
OMG Jersey Shore Casties! Proof that some people can actually not ever look put together even when they are supremely “put” “together” also LOOK AT SAMMY she looks sooooooooooo judgey all the time.
Tyler Posey, guy who played J. Lo’s precocious son in Maid in Manhattan. Doing that cool VMA thing where you wear 1 t-shirt under 1 blazer and hold your arms like, “WHAT bro!?”
Someone named Colton Hanes who I wouldn’t mind dating for a year or two.
MTV VJ (er, like, I guess they’re just called like, Correspondent Dudes now?) Sway looking classically sway in his sweater-knit Kangol.
And 2 Chains rounds out the slideshow. Not Adele. Not Britney. Not Justin Timberlake. But 2 Chainz.
This is the way the MTV VMA Red Carpet Recap ends… Not with a Justin but a 2 Chainz.
Questions remain: Where was Jelena. Where was Adele. Where was Beyonce, Florence Welch, Michael Stipe (doesn’t he usually mope around @ these events?) where was anyone worth seeing. I hate this. This whole thing was horrible. Fucking sick, Emma Watson. Awesome job “Jessica Zohr.” Do you know who I am honestly surprised was not on the Red Carpet with these folks? Kat Dennings. Seriously I think this is the totally appropriate crowd for a Kat Dennings. Right? Like where was Kat Dennings?