Subject line: “Weekend plans? Host a Raclette Night!”
What even is a raclette you freaks
Oh it’s a $140 interactive grill where each person can melt cheese in his own little skillet and then scrape it onto creative shapes of bread oh oh jesus oh wow well yes ok
at my next party after the raclette one i’m going to just have a take three times too much horse tranquilizer party
because if i ever get so out of control fucked up that i spend $140 on an evolved fondu pot i think i’ll be ready to end my time in this world
So my birthday has officially arrived! After lots of buildup! I’m self-centered!
I got a text from my gynecologist, some lovely notes from friends, and lots of sustained spoilage from Joe. Friday is my party! It will be good. It has been much birthday. I feel 35!
As for the dress, I can’t say enough how much I loved and appreciated everyone’s input. I wanted to get the one you all wanted me to get, but alas, Lauren can turn 25 all she wants but that doesn’t mean she’s any less Lauren than she was before — and, that being so, I currently have $20 in my checking account, a few overdue bills and no fancy new dress after all.
C’est literally la vie. Whatever. You guys kinda knew I’d never spend more than $11 on a dress.
Which is why I settled on this sexy versatile $11 prostitute dress from Forever21 this weekend. I will wear it with DIY flower crown. It requires no bra. Overall, very mature and quarter-centuryish.
Joe’s big birthday surprise to me was tickets to the American Ballet Theater last night. I’d mentioned a few times here and there how I’ve always wanted to go to the ballet, and, as if he doesn’t already smell good and call me pretty, he listened, and got us great seats to a trio of vignettes. It was marvelous.
A scene from ABT’s “One Month in the Country,” or as I’d like to call it, “A Month where Everyone’s Cunty.” Set in a manse in the Russian cuntyside, the story follows the emotional collapse of the resident family’s female members when a stately tutor arrives to teach the young son and becomes entangled in a war of hysteria, jealousy and desire between unfaithful-flirty matriarch Natalia and teenage girl boarder, Vera (gasp!). Vera, girl, get off Yaz. You gotta get off Yaz right away. Everybody so cunty.
Theme and Variations was the first performance, which was great because the curtain went up and Joe and I were like “WE DON’T KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT!!” and poof it was ballet. Like straight up ballet-ballet. The ballet-est. Princes. Princesses. Little biddies dancing everywhere. Gossip. Romance. Prince spinning princess by the waist. Foot sounds. I almost cried. It was the greatest display of peplum I’d ever seen. When they finished some guy next to us said “BRAAVO” but he pronounced the first syllable in a way that rhymed with “brat” so it was so fancy and Joe and I were like “we did NOT expect that.”
Finally we saw the piano concerto, which, DELICIOUSLY, took on a modern, spacey, sci-fi theme. No skirts (-10 pts ABT) but lots of bones moving under leotards, which I found to be wonderful to watch, and three entire Black dancers, which ABT was very satisfied with themselves about, according to the opening article in the Playbill which was about how diverse the ABT is. Again, ample feet sounds. Good scurrying moments. I was so happy. I am so lucky.
Sometimes I get so caught up in hate-envying the ankle boots of fellow Brooklynites and being annoyed about subway performers almost kicking me in the head and bemoaning how my apartment’s hallways always smell like rancid rat carcasses that I forget that there are parts of New York that are so quintessentially New York and unfailingly glamorous that you can’t help but feel like Eloise at the Plaza.
A very birthday-worthy feeling indeed.
Anonymous asked: Which dress did you choose??? I'm sitting on the edge of my seat here.
None yet ;’(
The World’s Most Perfect cami dress, which I posted last week, was out in my size in the color I wanted, so I vacillated over other colors, and you snooze, you lose, you know—FASHION—now all the other colors are out in my size too.
Gonna go shopping this weekend I guess…
Tomorrow night joe is taking me out on a ~~birthday surprise date~~
I’m supposed to dress fancy! What is it???
What do you think it is??? What what what?
4 thos abt 2 rok plz watch this little vid made by my bf
Anonymous asked: whats your favorite food? dessert? alcoholic drink? nonalcoholic drink?
1. Ramen and/or tacos and/or the inevitable ramen taco, due out in NYC sometime in early 2014, for which I will be waiting at brooklyn flea armed to the teeth
2. fresh cookies and/or an alcoholic drink
3. Spring/summer: margarita on the rocks with salt no creepy fruit flavoring. Fall/winter: fernet and ginger ale, gin and tonic (not seasonally appropriate I am aware I know)
4. Ice water, blood of my enemies, tap soda
TGIF because after seeing this skurt that looks like a flannel shirt tied around your waist from you guesst it Urban Outfitters, I need like 400 drinks and pills and for an electric light fixture to explode over my head so my brain melts and I can just forget this skurt ever happened.
Like seriously Urban Outfitters you need to check yourself into some kind of School for Fucks. Because sometimes you are a fuck in like the most scholarly sense of the world you are a master of fuck.
You know how the music you listen to always depends a lot on the person you’re dating? Well, with my last boyfriend, I was really into Thee Oh Sees and Ty Segall and that was very cool, but with my current one, it’s all the Steely Dan and Eric Clapton and Bill Withers my little ears can handle.
Fully embraced, after years of quiet and intermittent secret-listening.
Like 100% shameless dad rock-blasting. Like Clamato-sipping polyester-pant-wearing music. Like stay-home-and-make-dinner-that-involves-clear-Jello music. 102.9 WBLM Portland, Maine’s Rock and Roll Blimp music. Car washing music. “We could make this cool, babe, we could make it real cool, if I could sing or play anything,”-kind of stuff. Joe Cocker stuff.
"You can leave your hat on."
Crawling around on the bed laughing like little lions with the stuff playing in the background.
"You can leave your hat on."
Wouldn’t have it any other way.