We adopted a dog. We named him Cheddar. He’s intense and strange and fiercely loving and kinda fat and really just all around the best living thing I’ve ever cuddled.

We adopted a dog. We named him Cheddar. He’s intense and strange and fiercely loving and kinda fat and really just all around the best living thing I’ve ever cuddled.

Thing I’m All About: Scalloped Hems

If all the world’s a stage at a town fair, it is the job of the townsladies to pas de deux all about the grounds and be the décor. And like the redwhiteandblue bunting that the town fair wears like skirts around its raffle sign-up tables and whitewashed gazebos and chili cook-off tents, a scalloped edge rounding the wheel of a skirt hem, or introducing a bust-line, is just about the prettiest thing a gal could wear.

There is a certain paper doll-ness to this trim, or perhaps something cake-like, or perhaps something paper-cupcake-liner-like. It is feminine and fun and decorative and new and old at the same time, and you all should buy at least one scalloped-edge garment this summer and use it (or them) to replace the crass raw-edged denim shorts you’ve been seeing in the windows of the clubwear shops post-haste.

Last summer in my gastroenterologist’s waiting room there was a woman too pretty to even need a gastroenterologist—because she was so pretty I doubt at all that she even has intestines—and she was wearing a bleached-neon-green-colored shift with scalloped arm openings, neckline and hemline. Her hair was long and colorless, her shoes were the Marc Jacob’s mouse-face flats, and from the moment I saw her I knew I needed that dress. I also knew it was J. Crew just by looking at it. I also knew that, because it was J. Crew, I could not have it. But then I found its lookalike in peach at TJ Maxx for $16 a few weeks ago and have been sleeping soundly.

Here are some other scalloped options if your TJMaxx hunt isn’t as fruitful.

 1. Scalloped Layered Cami Dress, ASOS, $41

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Seafoam green and delightfully layered, this dress will make your hips look like they’re connected to your torso by a ball-and-socket joint, a la a dashboard hula girl, which is basically the epitome of summer sexy sex appeal. I may buy this and wear it to a wedding with a big fat plastic necklace.

2. Scalloped Seersucker Mini, Lily Pulitzer, $88

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It’s pink and white seersucker. It’s got a delightfully wide scalloped hemline. It’s Lily Pulitzer. This thing is so cute and sweet it might as well be lickable. It can be the strawberry candy bulb atop your lollipop-stick legs. 

3. Scalloped Day Dress, J. Crew Factory, $88

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Well if it isn’t the dress of the hour. I mean year, because it’s the same dress I saw that girl wearing an entire year ago that I haven’t forgotten yet. Made from a luscious textured stretch that closely resembles neoprene and featuring four soft darts drifting up from the waistline to the bust and down from the waistline to the thighs, this frock has to be seen to be believed. It is like a scoop of sorbet. It is like a veil of dainty Styrofoam. Oh and here are those cat flats, by the way.

4. Scalloped Crepe Boxy Top, Topshop, $68

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If you think scallops are “too girly” and you don’t want people to misinterpret your choice of clothing as a signifier of your femininity and thereby as a signifier of your stupidity, well, that’s really sad, but at least you could try this sturdy crepe tee, which can be taken very seriously, especially if paired with some sleek black matchstick pants (front crease required) and some of those severe mid-heeled ankle-strap shoes with the conical toes that are everywhere right now, preferably in black with pastel blue.

Yabba Dabba Don’t: Beware of the styling of your scalloped edge. If the scallop’s arcs are too acute or too narrow or too long, you run the risk of looking like Betty Rubble or Wilma Flintstone. Not terribly timely look, especially if paired with a topknot. Yikes.

OUTFIT GIF: Yellow Coat Appreciation Day

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Princesses of springtime, is there anything more beautiful than a shock of marigold against the new blooms and fresh leaves at their brightest?

No, which is why I’ve kept this Gap canvas rain jacket since 2006, when my mom got it for me. Year after year it remains crisp, pure, bright and perfect. Year after year it unfurls from my storage chest like a somersault.

It got lost at the laundromat last week and days later Joe came home victorious, a heap of butter yellow in his arms. I knew it would come back. It always does, like the first warm day you crack your windows after a long winter, and the frame creaks like a tired old spine and the screen quivers and the house smells new.

Jacket, Gap, $?, gift from mom, 2006. Bandeau, Forever21, $6, Printed skirt, Forever 21, $11.

peggylikesbrussels said: Lauren, you said you liked the Dr. Jart BB cream. I wanna buy it but, like, how can it only come in one shade? Did you try it on before buying? Or is part of the BB magic that it works on many skin colors? Plz Advise.

Hi you elegant and complex delicacy of the universe! 

I too was super confused when I found out Dr. Jart Water Fuse was only one shade. I asked for it for Christmas (my mom MAKES me make a list, I swear I’m not a weird adult-child who makes santa lists every year I swear) after receiving it in my Birchbox and LOVING it, so I already knew the mystery shade—whaddever the fuck it was—would work on me.

I can’t speak to whether it would work for all plants and animals, but I can tell you this:

  1. It’s super, duuuuper, poooper sheer. Very sheer. Like basically translucent. The tint is more an tone-evener than it is a mask of color.
  2. I HATE the yellow-y, pasty look of foundation, and I love my own skin (most days), so I’d HATE wearing this BB cream every day if it wasn’t so delicate and subtle
  3. This is the best beauty product I’ve possessed in a long, long time. I feel very happy to have it.
  4. It’s really important to wear sunscreen every day and this stuff gives you that protection without you even having to think about it

The bottom line: It’s a pretty versatile tint! And it’s a fuckin’ SICK product that makes me feel like a beautiful skin ninja every day with perfect tulip petal flesh. And a little goes a long way. And the price point is decent considering it’s made by a DOCTOR! And it’s really just all-around a great goop, especially if you have super-dry Death Valley skin AND are rather beauty-lazy like yours truly. 

If you’re still unsure—which, SMART, because this internet is full of vicious lies—pop into your local Sephora to try a sample. But do not, I repeat DO NOT buy it from Sephora if you decide to buy it—it’s $2 cheaper at Birchbox!

me every time i realize fritos honey bbq flavor twists exist

(Source: courtneyrawlinson)

STOP the Proliferation of Cotton Mary-Janes at Mass Trend Retailers

U know what I’m sick of? Wearable items that exist to make people look LESS good. Living is so difficult, so riddled with tragedy and disappointment, and one constant we can all depend on—that we can at least try to look alright during our 85-some-odd-year descent into the brothels of hell—is so easy to do right. Wear a nice pair of jeans that don’t stretch too tensely in the areas between zipper and pockets. Wear a good t-shirt that has some drape to it. Eat some spinach every other day, call your mother, tell a good joke. Put a little tinted chapstick on you face. It’s really that fucking simple!

But no, it isn’t even, you know? There are uglifying land mines everywhere just beckoning you to them, with their siren songs of “comfort” and “practicality” and, ugh “vegan leather.”

Case in point: These flippery cotton maryjanes that somehow, somehow!!, like a stinking bilious joke vomited forth through the city’s manholes by satan, remain stalwarts in the Urban Outfitters shoe collection. 

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Ugh! What a stupid thing! How have we let these slip through the cracks all this time? We’ve eradicated the use of lead paint and done away with gaucho pants but these malevolent freaks still flop around our streets unchecked? Who is buying these and why are they not starring in a show about serial killing on Investigation Discovery?

It’s not even a different strokes for different folks thing. I hate a lot of things for personal taste reasons that i don’t even understand, like strapless bras, for example, or when millennial women eat apples on the subway, or stonewashed denim. But these shoes? They just offer us nothing. Nothing. We don’t need them. We’re the Western world, for fuck’s sake. We have SNEAKERS. We have those ADIDAS slip-ons with the velcro strap.

I hate these shoes. I hate their weird orange-y rubber soles. I hate their cotton uppers and the way the vamp looks all wrinkly when it stretches over toes. I hate the weird tipping around every edge. Especially the part that goes through the buckle. It looks so…IDK…unfortunate country girl from a Grimm story? Like what she wears to romp through the cattails before she gets cursed by a whatever?

I also hate HATE that these come in many colors and patterns. Normally, I’m a patternaholic. Like, pls put patterns everywhere, is what I’m like. Bandaids, hairties, tissue boxes, you name it. Gimmie a repeating iconographic pattern and we’re good. But these mary janes in a printed fabric? IT’S LIKE OMG JUST USE THE FABRIC FOR BALLET FLATS INSTEAD THIS WOULD LOOK GREAT AS A BALLET FLAT.

It’s like they’re going OUT of their way to make the ugliest thing ever so that YOU look worse. Are you like? So good looking that you buy these in bulk because it’s fun for you to look worse? I WANT TO UNDERSTAND.

Not to mention, these shits go for like, $10 a pair. Like why can’t a simple sandal or canvas flat go for $10? Because they’re actually desirable, that’s why. But these fuckers? Fuck, give ‘em away, for all Urban Outfitters cares! THEY ONLY EXIST TO MAKE PPL UPSET. Therefore we should make it AS EASY AS POSSIBLE TO OBTAIN THEM. Health insurance? No let’s keep that really impossible to afford. Cotton buckle pointless foot coverings? PRACTICALLY FREEEEEE.

You may ask yourself, is there precedent for something like this? Some horrible venmous clothing item that is NEVER attractive or useful but just keeps existing? Yes. I’ve done my research. My eyes are wide open. Yes. Precedent:

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Oh the humanity. Let’s take a window screen and spray paint it the color of sadness and then stitch some goddamn sparkles onto it because why not and staple it to a foam fin. Basically the chill summer-girl version of the cotton Mary Jane.

The difference is AT LEAST, at LEAST the mesh slip-ons aren’t available overflowing in friendly little baskets at mass retailers like the mary janes are. At least the mesh slip-ons have been relatively quarantined to the furthest corners of eBay. Cotton mary janes are still out there, alongside crop tops and denim cut-offs with nailheads adorning the pockets. Like they can HANG with them. it’s fucked up and gross and I’m ashamed.

I’m ashamed of us. I will not rest until these fuckers are a dark shudder-inducing memory, like… world wars. Or whatever.

Global Warming Will Basically Make Breakfast Impossible 15 Years From Now

No No No No No No No No No must not bear offspring No No

Dressing in Strangers’ Clothes

My good friend and moon sister Carolyn recently had me over to try on some clothes a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and moved out of the apartment they shared gave her but which didn’t fit Carolyn or her roommate my other friend Kendall.

Does this make sense to you? It’s awful hard to write the logistics out.

Anyway, said friend is clearly size the of Lauren circa the golden days of high school, so most of it barely fit over my birthing hips. But the above simple navy shift was a miraculous size Medium and was of the New Englander-J. Crew-when-it-was-just-J. Crew-nice-normal-young-mom proclivity look I’ve been trying to nail since I gave up on trying to be the best-dressed young dummy in New York. Where I once tried to pull off an oversized sheer blouse over nothing but boyshorts and a bra, these days things around here (gesturing at female form at large) are decidedly less Teen Choice Awards and decidedly more… idunno… TJ Maxx commercial? Ah, being 25.

Anyway, it’s a great dress. It displays a high tolerance for color-pops and statement jewelry. I thought it was going to have dumb gathered fabric at the shoulders, but it does not after all. It was not too short for work. I can wear it in wintertime, with tights, or in summertime.

What is not as simple as the good dress is the concept of wearing someone else’s dress. I know people thrift and buy consignment and all that—so do I—but there is something weirder about wearing a dress that belongs to someone that is definitely two degrees from knowing you in this universe. It is like you are a shade of her. A parallel her. A tree that grew from an eyelash she lost. A her with a bigger nose and an entirely different life, except, of course, for the part where you’re friends with Carolyn.

Second from feeling like an astral do-si-do partner to this unknown woman while a dress that she purchased and wore rubbed against my skin all day, I also fear that this dress might bring some of her unluck into my life. I mean, she and live-in boyfriend break up, she moves out, she gives excess stuff to Carolyn, Carolyn gives navy shift dress to me… sisterhood of the traveling NOTHANKS, anyone? Sisterhood of the traveling I FINALLY FOUND ONE MAN WHO HAS NEVER CALLED ME CRAZY PLS DON’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, anyone?

But then again, it fits very well; it drapes nicely. The former flesh-tone-leotard wearer in me likes its stretchlessness, and the way it hikes up the thigh a little when I move my legs a certain way.

I’m going to take my chances. It’s going to be like Jumanji in that way.

If in a year or two I offer you this dress during a post-break-up fit of downsizing… well, consider the drape, is all I’m saying.

Dress, MNG Basics, whatever that is. Necklace, gift from Joe, J. Crew Outlet.