"My mom saw a dead body in Harvard Square on black Friday (outside of the Gap) . Still don’t know cause of death though I have been REGULARLY checking the Cambridge police blog (cause of death = LOW PRICES!)”
What televised-in-2009 long-bygone rerun-and-done pile of shit and sound am I going to bury my face into and cry at while eating a lot of soppressata tonight with my big dumb face in my big bed in the room with no real heat in decent lingerie for no reason?
* Ed. note: I’m fine just work is so stressy rn
Guys, full disclosj’ — I love Black Friday. This is because I love shopping, particularly with my mom, particularly at The Maine Mall, as you may have read in my chat with Logan about Why I Love Shopping by Lauren Rodrigue Age 8 on The Billfold a while ago. I’m not a get-up-at-1-am-and-hit-up-Best-Buy-for-a-cool-TV type, obviously. I’m more of a wow-50%-off-mild-mannered-sweaters-at-Gap-why-not-it’s-an-all-for-me-day. And so is my mom. On Black Friday we don’t stampede or crowd or wait in stupid lines. We careen down mallways. We flit through racks gracefully, chatting happily and excitedly like Disney birds. We languish in fitting rooms laughing and stretching out on the for-the-husbands couches, like they’re our Victorian drawing rooms, our paper shopping bags lined up like old important volumes on a shelf.
This time around, we didn’t even buy gifts for other people. Just for ourselves.
All poetic wordplay aside, the deals were, to borrow from the lingua franca of the Black Friday electronics-and-sports-store-raiding masses, Fuckin’ Holy Shit Awesome Wow. Things at Gap, for example, really were 50% off. All of the things! And at Ann Taylor LOFT, where I, fucking embarrassingly, find increasingly MORE cute things every time I go in, things were also 50% off. At J. Crew they were 30% off. At Macy’s, 20% off — my mom, delirous with joy, bought a $20 lip balm from Bobbi Brown just because. (It was not 20% off.) (It was returned promptly at sundown.)
My Big American Sale Day advice to you? 1) Go. Stop pretending to be cool and go shopping. You’re only uncool if you buy a TV on this day. 2) Care about nothing. Abandon your bills. Spend. Financial worries can wait till Small Business Saturday when there’s no goddamnwayinhell you’re gonna spend $98 on a little necklace from a little shop when you could get it at Forever 21 for $4.95. 3) Buy I guess like one gift for someone else. Maybe it’ll make you feel better, I don’t care.
How’d I do? Take a big fat look into the reality that could’ve been yours if you bucked up to Black Friday with Doris Rodrigue at the Maine Mall, New England’s Best Kept Secret for Stores thay you can Actually Find in New York but at which the Sale Sections are Actually Good and Abundant Becuase Fewer People are Fashionable in Maine than in New York (this is a fact btw).
1. Dolce Vita “Joust” Booties, $55
Let me tell you a story about booties. Last fall I splurged on some lace-up black ones from TopShop that have like a 2.5-inch block heel. I wear them so much and love them so much I sometimes burst into tears and then flames when I catch a glimpse of them in a window I’m passing by. They make everything look better. They make my ankles look like stupid little toothpicks. They are practically disintegrating, so I knew I’d need a second similar pair to sub in to give them a break. These are that pair. These are the second-best booties. You know those cool girls who get on the Subway and are wearing cool roomy duffel coats and perfectly fitting jeans and slouchy sweaters and just the right sized infinity scarves? Those girls have these booties. They didn’t get them for $55 bucks on Black Friday with their Moms though now did they. Babies.
2. LOFT Textured Tie-Hem Sweater, $30
There are few things I hate more than unoriginal misogynistic web content, and fashion bloggers using the phrase “WE ARE OBSESSED WITH…” is one of them. But I am kind of pathological about LOFT’s lounge line. It’s a cool-girl in-the-know style-secret that you wouldn’t be privy to unless you followed one of the select fashion bloggers who shops with her stylish but nevertheless A MOM mom. (Hint: me.) This sweater, from that collection, is super-great quality, and, like most things from that collection, it nimbly transitions from layaround-day-coziness to workday cuteness (with the above dreamboots, a silk collared shirt, etc.). It was $60, I got it for $30, just like a prayer, it took me there.
3. Forever21 Faux fur-lined Parka, $70
OK technically this is a Christmas present from mom and dad, and it’s not technically mine yet, but it so so so will be in like 3 weeks and I am pretty worked up about that. The same way my mother enlightened me to the diamonds in the rough (up-top to anyone else who learned that phrase from watching Aladdin 500 times in childhood) that can be unearthed at Ann Taylor LOFT, I alerted her that for every 25 clingy lurex bodycon knit mistakes at Forever21, there is one gorgeous, endlessly wearable, surprisingly well-made piece that looks great on everyone. After this coat, she’s a believer — it’s thick, warm, substantial and the fur lining is zip-outtable for fall and spring. I’ve been buying only fussy wool lady coats for the past few years, so this casual rascal will be a nice respite and will make me look like one of those cool girls with the boots, etc.
There was way more, obv, but I don’t want you to morph into a jealous raging maniac and slaughter me. The good news for you is it’s Cyber Monday right now, so you can get a lot of the deals I mentioned above without even having to go out into public with your mom.
In the all-too-likely event
that I get an IUD
I shall hope that Ellie Goulding is playing
in the background
when it happens
Ok so apparently as you age you become less photogenic? Because this year only two half-decent photos emerged from my sloppy soiree.
and then there’s
and that’s that.
Shaking up the news world once again, The Huffington Post yesterday took on the gargantuan task of asking Men what things they don’t like about what Women wear. The answers were what about you’d expect — leggings are “boring,” high-waisted skirts “lack subtlety” (???) and there was a particularly passionate response to strapless bikini tops, which “make [women’s] shoulders look like a linebacker’s” and send their former admirers, no doubt, into a fit of homosexual panic — ”Am I gay?”
Also threatening: hair bows (“Dress your age!” [“Am I a pedophile?”]), high-waisted jeans (“They remind me of my mom!” [“Am I into my mom?”]), fold-over booties (“They look like foreskins!” [“AM I GAY?”]) and pantsuits (“You’re a woman. Not a man.” [“AM I A FUCKING HOMO OR WHAT?”])
So ladies, there you have it. Things you can’t wear anymore if you wish to catch the eye of any half-decent suitor during that fingers-spread-out high-fives dance at the courtship ball in Longbourn.
So what do you do if you can’t wear most varieties of tops, bottoms, jewelry, beauty products and accessories without making a dude feel
gay like you look not hot?
I guess… this?
Oh and maybe like a hijab in a modest print over a tank top that has nipple cutouts.